Harvard University where Liz attended.
Journal Entries
October 31, 1996
Today is Halloween! Or halawana, as Carlos calls it. Sam, Carlos and I visited all of our friends today and brought halawana spirit to them. It’s been a couple of months since Sam and I ran away but Sam already has a boyfriend. Sam says she loves him and “that age is just a number.” I understand completely, Carlos is 18 and I’m 15, but still Sam is 15 too, but her boyfriend is nearly 21. I think that’s a big difference but Sam doesn’t seem to mind. Nights are getting colder out here, Sam and I stole a blanket that was hanging outside and we use it at night. Carlos has been disappearing lately, leaving little notes when he leaves.
“Hey Shamrock, I had to bounce right quick, today’s Grandma’s birthday.
I wanted to get her something nice, like some Indian oil and two lampshades.
Be on the roof landing at Brick’s or at Bobby’s. If you can’t, I’ll find you
wherever you go.
One Love Always, Your Husband,
Carlos Marcano.”
I don’t know if I love him yet, even though he tells me he loves me every day, “Love you shorty,” he shouts as he leaves. He tells me things will get better, more food and a maybe an apartment, when he gets his inheritance. I don’t know whether to believe him or not, but what choice do I have.
Thanksgiving, 1996
I called Lisa today, from and old payphone outside the hotel. Even though we grew up together, Lisa seems so much different. She’s going to school and gets to see mama every day. Lisa told me about Ma today, Ma is in the hospital and she’s dying because of her AIDS. I knew Ma was sick, and she wasn’t going t live long, but Ma always told me she was going to be okay and live for a long time. I can’t even imagine what it would be like if she died. I still carry her NA coin, from when she was still doing therapy. It had a little message on it, but now I can’t even read it, it’s faded. I’m going to go in and visit Ma tonight at the hospital, Lisa has always been over dramatic, so I don’t think Ma’s really as bad as she says. I can still remember when we were all together, as a family, Lisa, Dad, and me would wait for Ma to bring home a small frozen turkey from the shelter. That was back when times were better, lots better.
December 27, 1996
I don’t have a lot of time to write today but I thought I’d share my news, Ma’s funeral was today. Everyone was there, Carlos, Lisa, and Fief, Sam wasn’t there, said funerals were too depressing. They had Ma in a wooden box; someone had just scribbled her name on the outside. Gene Murry, they had written, but they spelled her name wrong, her name is Jean Murray, and she was the best mom I could have asked for, even with all the drugs in her system, I still remembered the days I spent with her, watching Wheel of Fortune. She was all I could ask for, she tried to take of Lisa and I as much as she could, while feeding her addiction. I have to go to dinner with Lisa soon, I don’t think I can take much more of this, Carlos using now and I just don’t want to be around him anymore. I don’t love him.
January 13, 1997
I can’t take it. I’m leaving him. Yesterday Carlos was leaving and I asked him if I could go with him, I hadn’t eaten in nearly 3 days and something had to change. He’d been leaving too many times, leaving me alone. Sam had left a week or so ago, I think she’s staying with Oscar but I don’t have his number, and none of my friends have seen her. Today I read about a woman a couple rooms down. She was stabbed by her boyfriend. They said he had drugs in his system at the time. Carlos has been using too, and last night he almost hit me, landing a fist in the wall next to my head. So tonight, I’m leaving. I don’t know where I’m going, but I know I need to get out of here. I think I’ll stay at Bobby’s or Fief’s but one thing I know I want to do, is go back to school. As much as I love Ma, I don’t want to end up as teenage drop out, I want something more.
Today is Halloween! Or halawana, as Carlos calls it. Sam, Carlos and I visited all of our friends today and brought halawana spirit to them. It’s been a couple of months since Sam and I ran away but Sam already has a boyfriend. Sam says she loves him and “that age is just a number.” I understand completely, Carlos is 18 and I’m 15, but still Sam is 15 too, but her boyfriend is nearly 21. I think that’s a big difference but Sam doesn’t seem to mind. Nights are getting colder out here, Sam and I stole a blanket that was hanging outside and we use it at night. Carlos has been disappearing lately, leaving little notes when he leaves.
“Hey Shamrock, I had to bounce right quick, today’s Grandma’s birthday.
I wanted to get her something nice, like some Indian oil and two lampshades.
Be on the roof landing at Brick’s or at Bobby’s. If you can’t, I’ll find you
wherever you go.
One Love Always, Your Husband,
Carlos Marcano.”
I don’t know if I love him yet, even though he tells me he loves me every day, “Love you shorty,” he shouts as he leaves. He tells me things will get better, more food and a maybe an apartment, when he gets his inheritance. I don’t know whether to believe him or not, but what choice do I have.
Thanksgiving, 1996
I called Lisa today, from and old payphone outside the hotel. Even though we grew up together, Lisa seems so much different. She’s going to school and gets to see mama every day. Lisa told me about Ma today, Ma is in the hospital and she’s dying because of her AIDS. I knew Ma was sick, and she wasn’t going t live long, but Ma always told me she was going to be okay and live for a long time. I can’t even imagine what it would be like if she died. I still carry her NA coin, from when she was still doing therapy. It had a little message on it, but now I can’t even read it, it’s faded. I’m going to go in and visit Ma tonight at the hospital, Lisa has always been over dramatic, so I don’t think Ma’s really as bad as she says. I can still remember when we were all together, as a family, Lisa, Dad, and me would wait for Ma to bring home a small frozen turkey from the shelter. That was back when times were better, lots better.
December 27, 1996
I don’t have a lot of time to write today but I thought I’d share my news, Ma’s funeral was today. Everyone was there, Carlos, Lisa, and Fief, Sam wasn’t there, said funerals were too depressing. They had Ma in a wooden box; someone had just scribbled her name on the outside. Gene Murry, they had written, but they spelled her name wrong, her name is Jean Murray, and she was the best mom I could have asked for, even with all the drugs in her system, I still remembered the days I spent with her, watching Wheel of Fortune. She was all I could ask for, she tried to take of Lisa and I as much as she could, while feeding her addiction. I have to go to dinner with Lisa soon, I don’t think I can take much more of this, Carlos using now and I just don’t want to be around him anymore. I don’t love him.
January 13, 1997
I can’t take it. I’m leaving him. Yesterday Carlos was leaving and I asked him if I could go with him, I hadn’t eaten in nearly 3 days and something had to change. He’d been leaving too many times, leaving me alone. Sam had left a week or so ago, I think she’s staying with Oscar but I don’t have his number, and none of my friends have seen her. Today I read about a woman a couple rooms down. She was stabbed by her boyfriend. They said he had drugs in his system at the time. Carlos has been using too, and last night he almost hit me, landing a fist in the wall next to my head. So tonight, I’m leaving. I don’t know where I’m going, but I know I need to get out of here. I think I’ll stay at Bobby’s or Fief’s but one thing I know I want to do, is go back to school. As much as I love Ma, I don’t want to end up as teenage drop out, I want something more.